Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Coca Cola Kid

Last night I was preparing to write my next post. I had downloaded numerous pictures from the holidays. I was learning new ways to use html with the goal of adding video clips in the near future. And I was also trying to figure out what topic to write about. With so many choices, I couldn't decide what to do. Until....

My phone rang at 2:40am and NO, it wasn't Pepper again. It was Catdoggg.

The Queen Of Morocco...



Now, she doesn't call me to say hello...She doesn't call me to say I love you...She doesn't call me to say she was thinking of me...She doesn't call me to tell me Babydog is running a marathon... She calls me to read a passage from one of her
29!!!!
books that she has out of the library. Yes, 29 of them folks. 29 taken out at the same time. Now I have met some readers in my life, but nothing like Catdoggg. Not only do I find it amazing that she has so many books, but I find it even more amazing that the library lets someone take so many out at once. I was there... The lady was printing up a receipt of all the books she has out. I swear it was longer than some of my credit card batches from the store. Isn't there a limit? What's even more amazing is that none of these books seem to correlate with eachother. They range from one end of the spectrum to the other.

"The Ins and Outs of Belly Button Poking"
"Sri Lankan Ministry of Agriculture, Livestock, Land and Irrigation"
"How to Be a Hot Momma"
"Provincial Lives of One Legged Midgets"
"Why Cars Stop"
"Bubbles in the Bathtub"
"The Comprehensive Guide to Orchestral Music"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Where Would You Like to be Buried?"
"Fun With Pointy Things"
"A Kids Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"
"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

You name it and she has it. It is truly incredible...

Catdoggg loooooooves to torment me. Sometimes I feel like she wakes up and wonders what she can do to me today. One thing she likes to do is to point out all the bad things I eat and drink. In fact, she likes to read the nutritional facts on the side of EVERYTHING I TOUCH. To be honest with some of you.. She can be quite scary... She knows most of them off the top of her head. I swear...It's rather freaky.. I go shopping with her and I pick up a tube of chips or a soda and INSTANTLY she tells me how many carbs and sugars per serving is in each one of them. UGH!!! The woman has a gift. Everything I once held dear to my heart is now ruined. I really can't remember the last time I had a mountain dew. I know what she is doing. She is trying to make me healthier so I can be around long enough to see my grandchildren. It's just one of the reasons why I love her.



Let's get back to the phone call.

She calls me up to preach to me the dangers of soda in a child's life.

(CDoggg) Do you know that I can of soda for a small child is equivalent to 8 espresso coffees for a grown man?

That is actually pretty disgusting. Now she continues to read to me all these findings about sugar and especially soda for small children. She's making a point that I can completely agree with, but then I realized...

(ME) Are you accusing me of giving soda to our unborn child?

(CDoggg) I'm just saying that I don't drink soda so if Babydog has some it will probably be from you.

(ME) How the hell am I being blamed already for something I didn't do and last time I checked, Babydog wasn't even born yet?

Now let me just say that this conversation was very funny. There was no real argument. We were both laughing, but I still can't believe that I got accused of giving our unborn child soda ALREADY... She's probably right. At some point I will probably give the little bugger a soda, but I think it's a little premature to accuse me of it now. HA HA... Her whole point was that she didn't want to raise an uncontrollable sugared up maniac who learned to drink lots of soda from their DADDY..

Just for that... I'm posting belly shots.






Okay, just to be fair....Here are a couple of me being silly.






My best Catdoggg Impression... It gets better after a few drinks...




P.S. I hope everyone appreciates the Belly Shots. I know some of you out there wanted to see some. Catdoggg's belly is extremely cute, but she's GONNA KILL ME when she sees these...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Sorry Folks...

Between Christmas, working, parties, shopping, working, and did I mention working??? My blog has taken a backseat. My sincere apologies. I was able to get quite a few new pics to share along with some videos of the funny family. Hopefully I can figure out how to put those on the blog. Anyway, please stay tuned. I'm going to try to post within the next 24 to 48hrs. Thank you for your continued support....

So to quench your appetites... Please take a look at Catdoggg's Halloween costume. 1ST PRIZE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












By the way.. Catdoggg is finally showing.... Yes, I do have some pics....

and yes, Babydog is a corn muffin....

Sunday, December 18, 2005

In Case You Were Wondering....





PLUS






EQUALS EITHER





OR



Saturday, December 17, 2005

Everyone Can Use A New Friend In Their Lives...


I never believed people when I was younger. That things would change as you get older. "Gee, wait until you get my age!" I'm going to admit this, You were all right. Yes, drinking is different, there are more aches and pains, it is slower to get up, allergies have developed and the mother of all evils has arrived.... LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!!!!

Basically, I've lost the ability to digest lactose, the predominate sugar of milk.

Common symptoms include nausea, cramps, bloating, gas, and diarrhea, which begin about 30 minutes to 2 hours after eating or drinking foods containing lactose. The severity of symptoms varies depending on the amount of lactose each individual can tolerate.



Notice I've highlighted a few of the symptoms... These seem to be the symptoms I excel at. If there was an Olympic team, I'd be on it. I would now like to share a story that begins the historical account into my slow digression into Lactose Intolerant Man.

Now, I've always had a bit of a problem with food going right through me. Never thought much of it though at the time. Always chalked it up to an unhealthy lifestyle consisting mainly of draft beer and late nite subs. As I got older, I learned this was not the case. I have a problem and the very first memory I have of this incredible gift God has bestowed upon me was when I made my first pilgrimage to Los Angeles.

The year was 1997...

We had just finished eating a meal in Marina Del Rey. Pepper and I decided to hit Venice Beach afterward to do a little bit of shopping for the folks at home. Venice Beach was dead by the time we get there. We've been there earlier in the week and experienced all the sights and sounds it had to offer. We decided to go later in the afternoon, to avoid the mobs of people. Plus, it would be nice to avoid the pick pockets, trannies on roller blades, numchuck wielding veterans, the rather touchy feely rainbow coalition, and the hoards of the undead looking for their next victim.

Now we didn't know that pretty much everything on Venice Beach closes early. By the time we got there just about everything was closed. There were a few places open and Pepper wanted to check them out, why not? 15 minutes into staring at Pepper deciding what keychain to bring back for an undisclosed friend, I felt it. Before I could even figure out what I felt, I was done....

"Um Pepper, I gotta go."

At this point Pepper looked at me and knew. I'm doubled over in pain with the, I just dropped the soap during my first prison shower face... No words were exchanged at that point, I was off...

Let me remind everybody that pretty much everything was closed. Oh, did I mention I am a tad bit phobic about cleanliness... So I came across a restaurant and waddled in. After asking where the restroom was I made a small dash toward me pot of gold. I didn't want to run too hard or too fast, fearing that I might have to call Pepper and have him find me a new pair of pants. The door opened into a hallway and at the end opened into the bathroom. I opened the door and guess what? There were 3 homeless guys taking numbers to enter the ONE and ONLY stall. WHICH WAS OCCUPIED....

Now at this point I started to get the sweats, to which the three homeless men huddled. The finally break off and the leader of the homeless crew slowly walks up to me. Fearing that I had somehow invaded their bathroom turf, the leader spoke,

"Hey man, me and the boys were talking and it looks like you really need to go. So please when the guy gets out you can go in ahead of us."

I couldn't tell you how thankful I was. Who said all homeless people are useless, degenerate bums who become a tax payers burden? I was so thankful at that moment that I actually contemplated changing my political affiliation and register as a Democrat when I got back to Boston. Lets just say I was under a lot of stress....

Finally the stall door opens. It's yet another homeless man. For a quick second there seemed to be a bit of static in the air between him and the others, but I didn't care. I rushed by my new brethren with a thankful nod and caught the stalls door before it closed. What I'm about to describe to you will never ever paint a true picture of what I saw...

Let's just say it looked liked the homeless man bathed in his own filth. The toilet was overflowing, there were indescribable items floating on the floor along with others items I haven't a clue about. I've tried for years to forget. It didn't take me long to make my way out of there....

Now I'm standing, actually bent over still on Venice Beach with the same problem I've been trying to deal with for the past 15 minutes. There is no where to go. The public bathrooms are all locked. Gee, after my last experience I couldn't imagine why... More stores have closed and there isn't another friggin restaurant in sight. It is getting dangerously close to D-Day. At this point I was ready to dig a hole on the beach. Then out of the corner of my eye I see it...

Down a side street around a corner I catch a glimpse of a neon light. BAR!!!!! I make my way down towards it, noticing the long line of Harleys out front. I open the door and.....

At this moment, I'm about to relive my days as a messy baby as the WHOLE bar stops and turns to look at me. It was one of those movie moments when you walk into a place you know you don't belong and the music stops and everyone STARES... We'll, that was me on that day.

At this point I really didn't care. I moved as fast as I could toward the bar. All eyes are upon me. The bartender comes up to me with a menacing glare. I looked him right in the eye and said one word...

"Bathroom?"

Even the toughest man in the world knows the pain I am going through. He looked me over real quick. My shirt is soaked, my legs can barely move, my gluts are tight and I'm as white as a ghost. He raises his head and motions toward the back of the bar. I'm approved. I could only thank him with my eyes. Any new movement would have finished me.

Let me remind you that every biker in the bar is still looking at me like I'm a narc. I didn't care anymore. Even if they decided to jump me it would be their worst nightmare. Letting the deuce go would have absorbed any pain they could have afflicted upon me.

As I slug on by, I quickly realized that I would have to play a mini game of frogger with the dozen or so cats running around the back of the bar. Yes, there were stray cats everywhere!!! Un-freaking-believable..... I finally get to the bathroom and guess what? There are no doors on any of the stalls. You've got to be kidding me!!! Obviously they didn't want any illegal activities to take place in them. Or the biker psychic predicted that one day a white boy with a Boston accent would one day use their bathroom and cleanse their souls....

I didn't care anymore. I was going in. After carefully screening each one for the cleanest seat, unclogged bowl, and a plethora of toilet paper, I took the last stall toward the sinks. At this point I didn't even care... My phobic ass just sat down.

I'll spare you the intimate details that followed, but let me just say that the whole time I was in there... Every biker in that bar made it a point to come in and pretend to wash their hands. Yes, they stared at me pooping. Even the cats knew better than to come in. These were tough men who didn't mind the toxic fumes that helped create Agent Orange. I think they were just making sure I wasn't a narc, but instinct tells me that they just wanted to mess with me. No pun intended...

I finally finished and I seem to be skipping my way past the bar. I nod toward the bartender and I really feel like I am floating. Incredible, just incredible. AAAAAHHH!!!!

Pepper finally finds me and the story telling begins...

You might be wondering why I am talking about this and who my new friend might be. Well, it took me 9 years to finally wise up and take control of my life. With the ever convincing help of Catdoggg, I've finally found the cure for all my problems. Simpler than I thought. Don't knock it until you try it, but let me introduce you to my new friend....

Thursday, December 15, 2005

How Close Is Christmas?????

I've got some photos back from my sister's Christmas party this past weekend. There really weren't that many to chose from but here are the ones that I thought were worthy.




Yes, that's me and the infamous Catdoggg. Some of you may remember me with more hair. If the rest doesn't fall out from Catdoggg, then I'm sure Babydog will continue the follicle droppings.....



I think I totally got busted with this picture. I swear, I don't remember looking at this women's bum. BUSTED!!!! Damn paparazzi.....



To the left is my sister and to the right is the 7 months pregnant Catdoggg. Can you believe it? She is still so freaking tiny. People can't believe that she is 7 months along. Everywhere she goes women are so excited for her when they see she is pregnant. But then, when these same women find out she's 7 months..... Let me tell ya, the look on their faces sometimes can be priceless. Can we all let out a collective GRRRRR......





In my attempt to get a close up of the girls, my Nana (Soon to be called Great Granddoggg) decided to walk in front of me. Let me tell ya, she's 96 years old and she was the last one up partying with us. I swear she has a better social life than me and my friends. She is an incredible woman.


The Christmas season can be fun, but also extremely hectic. Between shopping, dealing with family, work, parties, family, shopping, family...It can be a bit overwhelming. I found this site the other day and it totally cracked me up and I thought it was great fun. You can make your very own gingerbread man/woman/tree.... Before you go and play with it, check out my version of Catdoggg. I believe I sent it to her on her birthday.

SO IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, WISH CATDOGGG A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!! :)

Catdoggg The GingerBread Girl

Gingerbread Fun

Monday, December 12, 2005

Dressing 101

Once again I apologize about the delay. This was a crazy yet fun weekend. First I had to deal with the storm on Friday. Didn't mind the storm so much, but the fact that 3 employees didn't show up didn't help. I don't mind doing the work for three, I've done it for years...But during a snow storm...... Everybody and their mothers drive to the liquor store during a storm. Risking their lives for a cheap buzz. It's weird, it's almost like people think the end of the world is coming. Either that or we're all a bunch of alcoholics who just need to find an excuse to drink... I'm guilty of it and I'm not going to complain. BANK!!!!

Saturday was my sister's annual Christmas party and Sunday I had dinner with the sister and her *NEW* man. Please stay tuned for that one. The party was fun, but definitely not as exciting as past parties. There were a few things of notice, some funny grab gifts and plethora innuendos regarding genitalia.....YAWL Know what I'm talking about.....


I know, I could totally go off about this weekend and not discuss what this current post is truly about. So hear it is....

I learned something new recently. Remember, I am a firm believer of learning something new each day. That day's lesson.... ONESIES!!!! It must have taken Catdoggg day's to convince me that Onesies and Oneies are two different things. I couldn't understand at first why we needed to get marijuana for Babydog. Catdoggg might be a borderline Bohemian, but even she wouldn't do that..... Thank God there was a difference. In case you didn't know........

A onesie or onesize is a kind of T-shirt designed to conceal a diaper when worn. The shirt extends past the waist and has snaps or buttons that allow it to be closed over the crotch, with enough extra room to accommodate a diaper. Worn commonly by very small children, incontinent persons, and ABDLs (otherwise referred to as infantilists.

Catdoggg's friend hand stitched a beautiful onesie for Babydog. It is so cute, but the best part of it is that has the Red Sox emblem on it. Woo Hoo!!! So I get the bright idea of taking the Grover I had bought (using Babydog yet again as an excuse to buy silly things for myself) to practice putting a onesie on a baby/Grover....


<---- So here's the beginning. As you can see, Catdoggg explains to me that I need to hold Grover by the crotch and make him/her look like he's walking, while holding the onesie in your right hand. Notice the Red Sox cap to the left of Grover...



Now notice that I have Grover in my clutches... As you can see, Grover can't breath and I am having a hard time finding his little blue arms. I think my grip on his crotch might be a little too firm...



Finally I have Grover on his back. I found his arms and it looks like the onesie is almost on. If I could just button this crotch area. Grover's packing.... Have you noticed his eyes appear to be a bit glazed. I think it's because I asphyxiated the little blue guy in the beginning.



Damn it!!! Why can't I button this stupid crotch flap thingie??? Grover is an inanimate object and I still can't do it right. I am in so much trouble when Babydog arrives. At this point Catdoggg reminded me that Baby's move and Grovers do not.....



So here I am holding a very sloppy, backward hat wearing Grover. Notice I seem to have a kung fu grip on the little guy. Even trying to hold a stuffed animal I feel completely out of control. This is scary stuff folks. I couldn't even put a stupid onesie on a stupid Grover..... How the hell am I going to put one on Babydog? Whom I am sure will be moving, kicking, drooling, farting, pooping, peeing, along with being stubborn.... Much like his/her father. At least we'll have a few things in common. For now, I'll leave the onesie dressing to Catdoggg and Granddogs(Grandparents) As for myself, I will continue to practice on Grover. I'm sure eventually I'll get the hang of it. Scroll down for final result...






LEAVE ME ALONE ANTHONY!!!!

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Post Before The Storm

Okay folks, I apologize in the beginning. I am having some employee problems at my business and I will not be able to write my next post until Saturday. I am writing this because I have found out recently that there are some people out there that actually like my blog. Go figure!!!!! I never thought that I would finally become popular. Too bad it didn't happen 15 years ago... Always wanted to be cool. Too bad I always felt like I needed to fit into a new group and adapt to their ways.

Can I tell you how painful it was to play dungeons and dragons? I knew I hit rock bottom that year. I've gone from that, to listening to metal ( which I still like, shhhh), to actually being studious, to hanging with the homeboys, getting in knife fights, being shot at, wearing my clothes backwards (ala Kriss Kross) , pawning off counterfeit bills, being a player, selling illegal substances, being popular (it sucks), finding yourself, thinking about what matters, meeting your true love, having a baby and FINALLY FIGURING OUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN LIFE...... Cause the DaddyMac can and will make you do incredibly stupid things until that day that you have that epiphany....

LIGHTNING BOLT!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........

Gee, I always seem to go off on a tangent. Sorry... I've actually heard rumors are spreading. Oh Anthony, your blog is sooooooooo funny, but sometimes you become too long winded..... BOLOGNA!!!! Deal with it....I like to write. I've written my whole life. There are multiple screenplays and shorts out there with my name on them...... I've had research papers turned into funding projects..... DEAL :)

Okay, so maybe I can go off on a HUGE tangent. Can't hide my feelings.... That's just me. Anyway, I will have a really cool post tomorrow. This will be the first time that I hope to figure out how to put multiple pictures up on a single post.

I know, it may come easy to some of you out there, but if I can't intimidate it, sweet talk it, beat it up... I have to work at it. Which I don't mind at the time. I have to learn to be patient and loving and learn along the way, Ummmm......... B A B Y D O G ! ! ! Oh yeah, and CATDOGGG, HEE HEE

We'll talk soon......

p.s. Dear Kiki,
I understand your point, but if the person is not intelligent enough to play it off your way.... There is no excuse.

"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What Do You Get Someone, When You've Already Given Them The Ultimate Gift?











Hey everyone! Look up. It's the new and improved Babydog. Growing bigger and badder by the hour.

Let me just say to some of you out there.... If you want to know the gender of Babydog, then put together a Babydog Ultrasound Money Fund. That way, when there is enough money to afford another ultrasound. You guys can flip the bill to find out the gender of Babydog.... Or just pool all of your money together to purchase this, BUY ME PLEASE Then we can all be happy.... :)

I have never dated anyone whose birthday falls in the same month as Christmas. What am I suppose to do? Catdoggg's B-Day is right around the corner, with Christmas not too far behind. On top of that Babydog should be making his/her arrival in March. Oh, isn't Valentine's Day in there as well?

Back to the original problem. WHAT THE HECK DO I DO? It would be one thing if I knew what to get her. I know what she really wants for Christmas, but I'm getting no help on her birthday. All I get is, "Nothing, I don't want anything." Now guys, you know as much as I do that if I get her NOTHING, I'm a dead man. This is part of that secret women code thing that us guys will never figure out. *WARNING* Sometimes we are actually dumb enough to do what ya tell us. Then when you get nothing and get mad at us, our only excuse is, "That's what you said you wanted." I know, what a novel idea? Listen to the woman, but listen to what? You want us to listen to you and read your minds and predict the future and figure out why you feel the way you do, when you do, and all because a leaf fell 2 thousand miles away causing a tremor only felt in the feet of pregnant blonde haired women living in West Roxbury.....

So, if anybody out there has any ideas..... Please send them along. I have a few, but my gut instinct tells me that their very wrong. It would be so much easier if I could pick Catdoggg up, put her in the car, drive her to a destination of her choice and have her point to her present. It really shouldn't be this hard.

I guess what I am worried about, is that nothing I get can truly show her how much I love her. I guess maybe I feel nothing I get is worthy enough. That everything pales in comparison to her. Oh, who am I bullshitting? I'm freaking scared she'll choke slam me again..... HELP!!!!!

p.s. I actually meant the first parts baby.... :)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Chances Are My Baby Can Beat Up Your Baby...

Sorry for the delay my fellow readers. I'm still trying to figure out a workable schedule for posting my stories. I'm getting there slowly. Anyway, since I know some of you out there can't stand it anymore. In fact a few of you seem to be incredibly persistent. Even to the point that our phones keep ringing and Catdoggg and myself can't even nap. Babydog is on it's way, WE NEED SLEEP. You've given me no choice. I have to let you in on the big news today. Yes, folks big news.

First of all, some of you know that today was the big day for our second ultrasound. If you read my past posting you'll understand what I had to go through early this morning. If not, today was the day that I could find out the gender of Babydog. Before I get there though.....

I still didn't know what I was going to do beforehand. All week leading up to this day I still haven't made a choice. Should I or shouldn't I. The majority of people out there said don't find out, but there was some compelling arguments from the other side that people expressed. Get this, I tried to get my mother to come with figuring that she would hold back my sinister craving for knowledge. When she couldn't go, I had asked my sister..... Alas, she was busy as well. Catdoggg informs me that her mother and Care Bear are going to go now. Great, her mother is like me and would like to know. Care Bear will kick my ass if I do find out. She'll probably tackle the doctor to hide this secret. I figured they would outweigh eachother....Status quo..... NOT!!! At 7:00am this morning Care Bear couldn't make it. So that left me to my own devices with Catdoggg's mum. Oh Uh!!! I might be swayed to find out now...... Guess what folks, I do have an answer for ya.

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with the baby. In fact the baby is in perfect condition. I actually have a new picture of Babydog that will be posted later this evening. He/She is sooooooo cute. I wanna see her/him right now. Pretty soon, I'll be able to hold my precious little girl in my arms. She definitely has the same nose as her momma.

His gestational age is actually 26.6 weeks old. With an estimated weight of: 1053 gms +/- 179 gms.... Yeah, lets just say it's 2 lbs - 5 oz. Do you know what that means? The weight percentile for gestational age for our baby is 86%..... That means my son will be able to beat up 85 out of a hundred kids in the school yard. :)

Okay, I'm messing with ya with the gender part. You just need to relax, take a deep breath and settle down. I'm gonna answer the gender question right now, but first....

Kidding......

Okay, here it is. The gender of Babydog is as follows......


I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The little bugger was sitting Indian style the whole time. The doctor was actually going to tell her mum and I the sex. She was going to put it in an envelope and that was it. Secret was safe. NOT! I swear this was a joke, but I'm cool with it. Babydog is already being stubborn. We were in there for a while and at no point did the little bugger move one bit. It decided today of all days to remain still. The bugger has been running cross country marathons recently. We swear it often imitates mamma's spinning classes. Today of all days. Why???????

I guess I was never meant to know until D Day. God, doesn't want to ruin the biggest surprise of my life. It makes sense in the end. I was never to know anyway and finding out would only cause friction between mommy and I. Since we all know how well I would have been able to keep THAT secret......

All I know is that Babydog is coming. He/she is incredibly healthy. I'm getting nervous to be a daddy. Mommy is beautiful. And my baby can still BEAT UP 85 OUT OF 100 KIDS IN THE SCHOOL YARD.......

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Learning Something New Each Day

Maybe it's just me, but it never seems to amaze me that you tend to learn something new each day. This learning may consist of many things ranging from a wide range of experiences.

It's true that unless you live under a rock, you will and should learn something new each day. Otherwise people.... What the heck are you doing out there???? Sometimes it's just a question of being aware of your surroundings. Take off those blinders, stop staring at the carrot in front of you and just become one with your surroundings. You'll be amazed at what you see, hear and eventually learn.

As a former working actor, I have always had the instinct to people watch. It is truly one of my all time favorite pastimes. Put me on a bench in the middle of the city and I can be entertained for hours. Savage amusement I tend to call it at times. The general public can really teach a great deal, plus make you laugh your ass off more often than not.

If you've been reading my newly created blog, you should get the sense that I find humor in almost everything. If not people, you will learn quickly. My humor can at times be very disturbing to most. Things you're not suppose to laugh at, I do. Things are always funnier when they are not happening to you.

You maybe wondering where I am going with this. Well, let me just say that today at work after the continuation of laughing at Pepper's mistake phone call.... He surprised me yet again.

Does anyone know what a joke grenade is? If not, let me explain. A joke grenade is a joke that through my experiences more often than not tends to be bad. Here's the kicker though. Usually with a joke grenade you don't quite get the joke at first. They seem to make no sense and your gut instinct is to ridicule the joke teller and tell them that's the worst joke ever. You walk away shaking your head, thinking about this bad joke and who'll you'll share this with. Sharing it to continue to make fun of the joke teller and their bad joke. All of a sudden the light bulb goes off and you get it. The joke may still be stupid, but you tend to laugh your ass off. It's like there's a pregnant pause, (no pun intended Catdoggg) or in acting terminology, a Pinter pause and BOOM!!!! It's funny....

Sometimes they may not be jokes at all. They often can be sayings or statements someone says. This is what I experienced tonight.

We were ordering food at work. Everyone put their orders in and in true traditional manner, every Friday night my sister calls the order in. Now when she got to Pepper's order the grenade was thrown in the air...

This absolutely killed me. She read off his order while I was about 20 feet away. She hung up the phone and we went about our business for about 10 seconds. I swear at the same time we turned to each other with a puzzled look on our faces. I asked her what he ordered again and it hit us.... I must have laughed for an hour. It truly made my night. Here it is folks....

"Yes, one more thing. I need a large vegetarian pizza with pepperoni please. Yes, that's it. Thank you."

To me that is a true joke grenade. So let it sink in.... Ha Ha

Friday, December 02, 2005

How The Mighty Have Fallen

Today I was trying to think of something different to write about, but I just got a phone call from one of my best friends. Actually he is my best friend and I have to share this with everyone. So to protect the innocent his alias will be "Pepper" for this post. This is classic.

Apparently, Pepper had taped ER earlier today so he could watch it when he got home from work. There was a scene where the doctors were standing around watching a live news coverage of a car chase. The doctors were cheering and egging on the driver being chased. Hoping inevitably that when he crashed he would have been out of their district by now and they wouldn't have to help him. Pepper thought this was hilarious. He decided he needed to call me at 1:15am.

Now I have known Pepper for many years and have received hundreds of late night phone calls from him. As you may know when friends decide to call you late at night these calls can range from something is wrong, to their drunk, gossip, or something funny happened.

A) Thank the Lord that it wasn't the first.

B) Sometimes the drunken calls can be fun at times, but when you're on the receiving end and stone cold sober, they can be annoying.

C) Gossiping would constitute having friends.

So the answer is:

D) Something funny happened.

I am going to fully admit that this is pure innocence on Pepper's part. Which is shocking. I'd have to say that 90% of all late nights calls from Pepper are drunk dials. They mostly consist of him laughing for 10 minutes without saying anything. If you've ever heard Pepper laugh, it's quite an experience. It's almost to the point to where he can't breath and he lets out a long outward hail of air with a hint of a maniacal undercurrant. The best thing about it is that it gets louder and longer to the point that he can't stop. Then he starts to make himself laugh, which makes you laugh, which makes him laugh, which makes you laugh some more, which keeps him going, you start to tear up, your stomach hurts and at that point the sun maybe coming up. If I ever had to predict how he'll leave this world, it will be from laughing.

So I'm going to try to write this as the conversation happened. Please bear with me. Just so you know, he said he called me at 1:15am. My phone rang at 1:18am..........

I was standing in my kitchen pondering whether I should go to my room and watch a movie or post a blog. My head was stuffed and my brain was tired. I decided I needed the rest. The phone rings.

"Hey Pepper." I said answering the phone.

In a really light voice with a sense of timidness oozing through the phone. I felt guilt. Pepper exhales.

"I just did something really stupid. I don't know how to tell you this so I'm just gonna tell it from the beginning." Pepper said carefully.

"What?"

"I was watching ER. I taped it earlier so I could watch it when I got home from work. There was a scene where all the doctors were standing around watching the television. There was a car chase and they were cheering and yelling. They were waiting for him to crash, but they wanted him to crash outside their district so they didn't have to deal with him. I found it so funny I wanted to call you."

"Okay, so what did you do that was so stupid?" I said in a puzzled voice.

"I went to dial your number and I guess I wasn't paying attention. I guess somehow I dialed your parents number. I've never called them in my life. I don't know how I did it. I'm sorry."

At this point I can see my mother being furious someone called the house so late.

"Did anyone answer?" I asked.

"Yes. Your mother did." Pepper said as he began to get more animated.

"What happened? Did you say you were sorry?"

"No." Pepper said. "Not quite."

"What do you mean not quite?" I asked.

"At first there was a long pause and I heard a voice say hello a couple of times. For some reason I thought it was Catdoogg or her friend Care Bear. (Catdoggg's friends alias for the post)

"Okay." I answered. "Then what?"

"At first I thought to myself, why would Catdoggg or Care Bear answer Anthony's phone? They must be playing a joke. So I went with it."

"Uh Oh." I was scared.

"So." Pepper starts to chuckle.

"What did you say?"

"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." Pepper said

"Pepper, what did you say?" I said with frustration in my voice.

"I said something."

"WHAT!!!!" I said.

"I said. Hi this is Anthony's gay lover. May I please speak to him?"

"WHAT???"

"Yea, I said that and I didn't get a response at first so I started to breath heavy. The woman asked who this was."

"AND."

"I realized at that precise moment it was your mother." Pepper laughed.

"Oh my God. What did you say?"

"Linda"(Mom's alias for the post) Pepper said. "I'm so sorry. I'm soooo sorry. I didn't mean to call you. I thought I dialed Anthony's number. I apologize. I'm so sorry."

To tell everyone the truth I had a really hard time keeping a straight face at this point. I started to laugh my ass off. I couldn't help it. So after ten minutes of us laughing, I asked what else transpired. Pepper was telling me that he thought in the end she might have laughed but he wasn't sure. He was very concerned. Now a brief synopsis of my mom.

My mother is a wonderful lady. She'll do anything for you. She can be extremely generous, but she's tough. Tough enough that she can be pretty intimidating at times. She has that physical presence. She doesn't take crap from anyone and she doesn't hide her true feelings too well. If she's mad at ya, you'll know. If she wants to say something to you, she will and without any regard of who's around and where you are. Oh, did I mention Pepper works for my mother and I. Oops!!!

He feels like such a fool. I feel bad for him because this time he was sober. He had no real excuse. He made a mistake which turned into a night of hilarity for me. Along with a new post for my blog. He didn't mean it. Pepper is 35 years old. He said he never felt smaller. He felt like a 18 year old prank calling someone's house. Poor kid. He even asked what time tomorrow morning would be a good time to call her to apologize. I said anytime other than 1:15am. HA! I'm sure my phone will ring tomorrow morning as well. Trust me, if anything more comes out of this I will definitely be passing it along.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Let Me Introduce You To Babydog


So if you look to your left you will see Babydog. Made in Newport, Rhode Island. Summer of 2005. Can you believe it? Weird to actually think that I helped create a child. I guess Peter Pan does have to grow up sometime.

I've been listening to some friends recently along with some great comments that will help me in my decision making. Yes, the decision to find out the gender of Babydog. Now let me rewind a little bit.

When Catdoggg and I found out we were having a baby, besides the millions of questions we had asked ourselves already, THE question arose. Should we or shouldn't we find out the gender of our baby. Of course immediately I wanted to know. Catdoggg, on the other hand DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW. Can I stress that enough? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW. Which in fact is really odd coming from her.

This is the woman who has this inherit need to know everything and anything about everyone. Now I thought my sister was a bit nosy, but along crawled Catdoggg. There was one time I had bought her something she wanted. I was going to surprise her. She found out about the surprise and insisted I tell her. Not knowing that when I didn't tell her, she would make a bee line to my computer to view my recent history. I basically had to knock my computer over so she couldn't find out. She then proceeded to jump on my back and began to choke me. A choke hold that any professional wrestler would be jealous of. I started to back her into the wall, but it only angered her even more. At this point I'm on my knees and am thankful she is only choking me. She finally releases. I still not sure why. I'll call it divine intervention, but she then proceeded to not talk to me and became sad and mad at the same time. Needless to say I had to tell her. Otherwise I think she would have broken up with me. No joke!!! If you walk into my kitchen right now. On my dry erase board is a note that I wrote on that day. "Don't ever tell Cat you have a surprise for her. Just surprise the little rat." Oh did I mention how quickly her mood changed when I told her. It definitely wasn't her first day at the rodeo....

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... She had made a lot of sense in our discussions and I ended up being okay with not knowing the gender. What's the big deal? It will be kind of cool to be surprised. In fact I believe she said, "If I'm not happy, you're not happy." That also helped push along my decision making. Love you babe!!! :)

So I agreed with the little lady not to find out, but I had some questions that I needed answers to. Questions that I thought at the time could somehow outwit my girl into a change of heart. When will I ever learn? Of course she had an answer for each and every one of them. Funny how it always seems to work out that way, huh guys?

What about painting Babydog's room?
We can paint it a neutral color which will work for either a boy or girl.

What about people buying us gifts?
Tell them to save the receipts.

What about naming Babydog?
We can come up with a name for a boy and a girl.

What about the fact I really want to know?
Anthony....

At first I wanted a boy. I will admit what every guy thinks when he first hears he's having a baby. Boy Boy Boy. Keep that legacy going. Which by the way is another funny story, but alas... I'll save that for another day. Of course I really would love to have a girl as well. Daddy's little girl. Awwww So in the end I was done. Conversation was over, UNTIL.... Last night at approximately 10:02pm.

It was a warmer night than usual for this time of year. A cool breeze had slightly opened my back door. Two cars drove by. A Red Mustang and a White Ford Tauras with a bumper sticker on the back reading, "My kid beat up your honor roll student." To my left a leaf gently bumped into the window as it continued on it's way to it's demise. I just finished wiping away the last tear from my eyes as Matt became The Biggest Loser. Then Catdoggg said, "When we go to the ultrasound on Tuesday (Dec. 6th 8:00am) you can find out the sex of the baby if you want to, but I don't want to know and YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY."

I felt like I was in the Matrix. Everything around me crawled to a stop. What??? I haven't even thought about this for months. I was all set. I was done. I was finished. Next please. UGH!!!! She had to say something. Why did she have to say something? The only way I can describe it is when someone tells you that you can touch everything in this room except the red button. Oh, you mean that red button over there. This red button. The red shiny button. The red candylike button. Oh God, I have to press it. I must press it. BOOM!!!!!

I could have used this in Newport. What is it about Germans?
German Sex Ed NSFW

p.s. I think I finally figured out Html.